Oh What Candy Can Do!

Oh What Candy Can Do!

Through the years I have learned how parents are not as protective over their kids as they used to be. They will turn their backs on them in public places, and let them run into forests for hours alone. About 10 months ago I went to a spring carnival and I really got to see the full potential of parental idiocy. As Swift says: "Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after." (Swift) so I happily went to find more to harvest.

When I reached the carnival around 6pm, there were many children running around,  but they were in too much a hurry for me to gain their attention. I however did find a little toddler that was in the perfect condition. The father of the 2 year old was paying for food in line and completely turned his back on her. I took the chance of seeing how easy it was to lure the child for the chance of some more tender meat. I put a brightly colored lollipop in between my hands and rested it on the small of my back, and slowly walked away. The child obediently followed! Oh what candy can do!

I live nearby a forest, and small children come almost every day to play. News reports of how children often go missing in that forest still are not enough for parents to bother with apparently. I obtained a juicy 10 year old from that forest just 2 weeks ago and I still have so many leftovers!

With all these leftovers, I just freeze them and they stay good for a very long time. I highly recommend this, so you do not have to waste any bit of these delicious beings! 

Preparing Meats: A Kid-Friendly Recipe

Sweet and Savory Ribs

A Kid-Friendly Recipe

In my reading, I have found numerous inspirations for my next meal. I have been engaged in preparing such meals for 3 years now. Ever since my first taste of this type of meat, I could not go back to eating normal public grocery store meats. This book I have inherited written by Jonathan Swift, was from a relative and the book contains delightful recipes to prepare for all who have the taste for this flesh. Jonathan Swift proposed the idea of “buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.” (Swift) Unfortunately there are not many Night Feasters in this city to purchase from, so I ventured to find a vulnerable child past 6:00pm roaming about behind the Fred Meyer. The darkness at this time was enough to be undetected. I particularly chose this child for his small yet stocky stature for the proportions of fat and muscle for a more delicious meal. 

Back in my garage I butchered and separated the ribs and put them into an aging barrel, for Swift recommends " seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.” (Swift) During preparations I kept the seasonings simple with salt and pepper, but also added rub seasoning to give a nice steak flavor. I prepared the meat as recommended and had a delicious feast many nights in a row. The savory yet partially sweet taste of the child was like no other I had tried before, normally if the meat is harvested past 20 years, it is more gamy. 

For the person who is reading: I assume you have not tried the flesh of a human (or at least not intentionally). Who in your family do you think would taste the best? Please leave your full name in your comment so I know you are not a threat, and perhaps we could discuss more in person if you find this intriguing. 

Ingredients:
Salt 
Pepper
Ingredients: 
Child Ribs
Salt 
Pepper
Steak Rub

Recipe:
1. Age meat for 4 days
2. Bring water to a boil and place ribs in water
3. Boil for 10 minutes
4. Rub salt, pepper, and steak rub onto ribs to marinate
5. Allow to marinate for 30 minutes
6. Pressure cook on high for the last 15 minutes